Humility and Patience

 I guess now I can say that I've been hospitalized for other than giving birth. I'm a hypetension and stroke patient now.

It wasn't exactly a pleasant experience. All I remember was saying to myself ," Now I've ridden in the back of an ambulance." 

"I"ve been CT scanned." The experience was almost similar to riding a dangerous ride at an amusement park except that nothing happened after the machine got turned on. I didn't rise twenty feet above the ground, I didn't move at a hundred kilometer per hour. I wasn't thrown into the sky 

It was anti-climactic actually.

I had my thorax being X-rayed.

The most unpleasant experience was being poked by needles. Gosh, I'd forgotten how painful that was.

Th experience was humbling and overwhelming at the same time.

I had to be dependent on people, something I'm not particularly used to or enjoying.

I was conditioned to go back to the humility I should have had.

One illness led to another and I was forced to go back to basic, typing and coloring and tracing. These once simple tasks became quite challenging now. I need to get off my high horse.

Now, I'm trying to earn my place back by being humble and patient. I guess I need to relearn humility and patience.

Cringe-worthy Changes

I just moved up the ladder a few months ago. With the new post came new responsibilities, more responsibilities, tons more responsibilities.

The changes I've been facing are prrrrrrrretty overwhelming. There are things that I wish I didn't have to deal with, and there are just simply too many things to deal with.

I know it's a path that I have to walk on and the only way is through. I cannot escape it or hand it out to someone else.

My husband has been very supportive of this, but it's still kinda...frustrating at times, if not all the time.

This post sounds very whinny. I didn't mean it to be so. I was just going to share the changes that have been happening to me, but I ended up complaining.

The level of maturity that's been asked of me is incredibly hilarious. Yes, that's right! Hilarious!
I've always been the youngest, well, at least, most of the times, but now that I supervise some living, breathing human beings, I'm still the youngest. And they expect me to be mature? They've got to be kidding, right?

Who is 'they'?

Well, if I calmed down and thought carefully, I'd know that it's not 'them', but more like HIM.
HE put me in this path.
HE gave me these responsibilities.
HE demanded me to grow up and own up to my actions.
HE asked me to put faith in HIM and all the things HE has put on my lap.

Realizing that bomb of realization, one can only stop, be quiet, and stay busy, right?
Right!

So, that's what I'm gonna do.

The moral of this post is you have to take what's been handed to you and put yourself into it completely, or else, you'll stumble and end up dragging your feet around.

Just ignore the whole post if you don't think it's worthy. 😔

KIDS

How far I've come!

Sometimes, I still look back to the days when life was still a lot simpler, when my kids were a whole lot more manageable. No use doing that though, as I found out first hand. Kids grow up and boy they do it so fast.

My eldest, Khansa, 11, is now on the sixth grade of elementary school. She has her own friends, her own activities, her own world sometimes, and even her own diaries. She's not very open to me, but I always try my best to know about her world. I don't want to be one of those snooping parents, but I can't really let her have too much freedom because then she would probably be one of those teens who don't talk to their parents. Sometimes, I have trouble dealing with her. But, our relationship is in working progress though I hope it can be more than just that.

My only son, Tristan, is very much in love with his games. He loves his games more than his study that's for sure. When it concerns his study from school, he won't even lift a finger to find the answer to a problem in his homework in his textbook. However, when it concerns one of his games, he's even willing to take notes from the Internet or other experts. So, I need to work on that.

My youngest, Kiandra,thinks too highly of me and she thinks the world of me. I'm not flawless, but I do try to be better. She's just too close to me. I try my best not to play favorites, and I don't think that I am. However, my youngest has very good behaviors in terms of helping others and being friendly to people.

Anyway, all I can say is that time flies so fast and in the blink of an eye, your kids are teenagers, then adolescence, then they'll be off to college before starting a family of their own. Whoaaa!!!

Back up a little...
I'm just gonna enjoy, cherish, bathe in the present presence...

Here's their last taken photograph...

Suddenly Remembering Her

As I finished praying this evening, I remembered my mom. I was reminded of how little I'd done for her and how much I could've done for her if she were still here. Or not. All I know is that, sometimes I wish she were still here. I'd really love to introduce her to my kids, her grandchildren. It feels like, she's part of my past, but not my present or future. She's separated from the life I lead now. I look at my kids sometimes and wonder how different it would be if they could see their grandma. I wonder how they would perceive her and how she would perceive them. I feel like she's part of the old me, the me who wasn't strong enough, who wasn't selfless enough, who wasn't compassionate enough. I hadn't outgrown my adolescence years when she passed. I was still an angry teenager when she was around. How I wish to turn back time and do things differently with her! Only if I'd known how short life with her would have been. She held on for me in my first twenty-two years. Nearing my thirty-eighth year, I miss her, wish her presence in my present. Mom, I wish you peace wherever you are now. May we be reunited again someday. Aamiin.

Wdged Between Two Rocks

Being wedged between two solid rocks is a really unfavorable condition. One must be able to choose the right rock to pledge one's loyalty to. Another alternative is probably one should move as faraway as possible from the hard rocks. On the understanding that it is a possible move to take. My question is whether it is necessary to take drastic measures. Running seems like the safest thing to do. For a coward anyway. I'm just babbling over something that's bothering me that's all. I already know what's the right thing to do. The right thing is most of the time not the easiest. Not at first anyhow. But, it'll be the easiest to deal with in the long run. I suppose. Being matured is quite a troublesome issue. At least for me.

Dream a Little Dream

Had this dream last night. A kind of reunion. Some pals were there. including the younger SB and his close friends. They were married except for the close friend. The close friend treated me as if we had still been in high school. Brought back a lot of good memories.

SB asked me 'bout the new house and said he was impressed with it. Told him it wasn't ours and wished to God it was. Something happened then. A reconnection kinda thing. Had never fancied him in a romantic way, yet never really quite platonic. Guess it was somewhere in between.

Was glad to know he was doin' OK. Still am. Miss him. Miss all the stuff from back then.

Wonder if I had really given up the old life, as I call it. Or perhaps I just burried it and every once in a while, it surfaces for air. Dunno, really don't.
But know for sure a free-spirited girl is hidden deep down inside.

I B U

Today was supposed to be my mom's 62nd birthday if she had been alive.

I don't think about her as much as I used to. I guess my life has been pretty occupied with a husband, three kids, a household, a job, and a whole-woman-being to worry about.

All I can think about when I remember my departed mother is how strong she had been. I just hope someday I can be as strong as she had been. Amin.

Thankful

Being thankful.
I had a thought as I was on my way to the office today. Ooooo, spooky!
Does being thankful mean that we cannot think about the past in a joyous fashion?
I mean, sometimes when the present is kind of... well, to be blunt, suck... I like to think back to the past, to the happier moments of my life. Sometimes just a little while back, sometimes it's way way back.
I am being grateful and thankful for the general idea of my present life. It's the little details that sometimes occur to be less gratefulish and thankfulish.
I don't know... I guess life's supposed to do that. Bring you up and bring you down at some points.
I'll try to look at it from another perspective. I've got a lot of good things going on in my life now.
My three wonderful wonderful children. When they sleep and their wonderfulness sleeps too, there's always my husband... Not really an equal comparison by any means.
My job... Well, I just agreed to become a full-timer and was promoted to be one a little over a month ago.
And... Well... I guess when it sucks, it really does suck.
Pardon my language... Other terms wouldn't be so politically correct. Whatever that means.
I'm babbling...
Anyway... I guess the way my mind works is pretty frustratingly confusing to others... To my husband anyway...
Well, Adios!

PS:
I'm attaching my youngest latest picture from my cell... the cute little devil...

Malam Takbiran

Malam Takbiran!
It's quiet and I'm tired. Been cooking all day and ignoring my kids.
I'm not sure my Ramadhan this year is a success.
I'm trying not to be so money-driven yet I end up being so.
It's a little hard to be idealistic when the world has become a giant materialistic one.
I know I'm not as patient as I plan to be or as a good girl as I plan to be. Right now I'm just tired, exhausted, worn-out. But I know I gotta keep trying, gotta keep on smiling at this wretched world yet the only one I've ever known.
Peace yo!

Worries

I'm feeling pretty worried now. Don't know why I do but I do. All there worries are eating me alive. I'm feeling pretty bad right now. I guess it's all because things don't work out as planned. And I've got a lot of mess to tidy up. My plans seem to fall apart lately. Guess time and luck are not on my side this time.
Well, I'll survive I suppose.

Chest Pain

I've been having this chest pain. I didn't really pay any attention to it at first.
But lately the pain is getting more significant.
I'm experiencing it now. And it's kind of hard to breathe.
Hope it's nothing.
Well, I just hope I'll leave something noticeable enough if I leave this world.

A Trip to Cisarua 1: A Tale of A Doubtful Mom

Phewww...
When I found out that my sub-directorate was going to have a workshop that was going to be held out of town, I felt that I was not going to go. The place was in the higher part of Jakarta, called Puncak. Cisarua to be exact.
How can I even think about going? I still leave my youngest with my mother in law while I work. And the trip would probably take a whole day. A very long time compared to the usual time I'm away for work. I usually leave for work at around 7 or 7.15. I come home at around 3 or 3.30. What a dillema!
My friends kept saying that there was no way that I could back out from this one.
What have I?

(To be continued)