KIDS GROW UP SO FAST CLICHE

 I've heard and read it so many times before. Kids grow up so fast they say. Indeed they do.

Reading my older posts on my kids made me miss those days when they were  still kids. It was a lot of fuss but they were still kids and  now they're much bigger and older and it feels like they're not there anymore. They have their own world and they don't need me as much anymore, that really hurts by the way. I wish I had done better when they were still kids.

Ii wish I'd been there more for them, wish I'd given them more attention, talked to them more.

These are their pictures now

I still love them and wish the best for them.  I really hope I have what it takes to prepare them for their future on Earth and the herefter. Aamiin.

KIDS

How far I've come!

Sometimes, I still look back to the days when life was still a lot simpler, when my kids were a whole lot more manageable. No use doing that though, as I found out first hand. Kids grow up and boy they do it so fast.

My eldest, Khansa, 11, is now on the sixth grade of elementary school. She has her own friends, her own activities, her own world sometimes, and even her own diaries. She's not very open to me, but I always try my best to know about her world. I don't want to be one of those snooping parents, but I can't really let her have too much freedom because then she would probably be one of those teens who don't talk to their parents. Sometimes, I have trouble dealing with her. But, our relationship is in working progress though I hope it can be more than just that.

My only son, Tristan, is very much in love with his games. He loves his games more than his study that's for sure. When it concerns his study from school, he won't even lift a finger to find the answer to a problem in his homework in his textbook. However, when it concerns one of his games, he's even willing to take notes from the Internet or other experts. So, I need to work on that.

My youngest, Kiandra,thinks too highly of me and she thinks the world of me. I'm not flawless, but I do try to be better. She's just too close to me. I try my best not to play favorites, and I don't think that I am. However, my youngest has very good behaviors in terms of helping others and being friendly to people.

Anyway, all I can say is that time flies so fast and in the blink of an eye, your kids are teenagers, then adolescence, then they'll be off to college before starting a family of their own. Whoaaa!!!

Back up a little...
I'm just gonna enjoy, cherish, bathe in the present presence...

Here's their last taken photograph...

Suddenly Remembering Her

As I finished praying this evening, I remembered my mom. I was reminded of how little I'd done for her and how much I could've done for her if she were still here. Or not. All I know is that, sometimes I wish she were still here. I'd really love to introduce her to my kids, her grandchildren. It feels like, she's part of my past, but not my present or future. She's separated from the life I lead now. I look at my kids sometimes and wonder how different it would be if they could see their grandma. I wonder how they would perceive her and how she would perceive them. I feel like she's part of the old me, the me who wasn't strong enough, who wasn't selfless enough, who wasn't compassionate enough. I hadn't outgrown my adolescence years when she passed. I was still an angry teenager when she was around. How I wish to turn back time and do things differently with her! Only if I'd known how short life with her would have been. She held on for me in my first twenty-two years. Nearing my thirty-eighth year, I miss her, wish her presence in my present. Mom, I wish you peace wherever you are now. May we be reunited again someday. Aamiin.

Perjuangan Pertama Jagoan Kecilku

Sudah beberapa lama Tristan (6 Tahun), jagoan kecilku menanyakan kapan ia akan dikhitan, seperti yang telah aku dan suamiku janjikan. Kami telah memutuskan untuk mengkhitan anak laki-laki kami itu pada tanggal 23 Juni 2012. Hampir setiap hari, Tristan menanyakan apakah hari itu sudah sampai. Sedikit demi sedikit, kami jelaskan padanya apa yang akan terjadi saat ia dikhitan. Pertanyaan-pertanyaan pun mengalir dari bibirnya. Salah satu pertanyaan yang paling lucu darinya adalah apakah ia akan menjadi perempuan seperti kakak dan adiknya setelah dikhitan nanti. ^_^ Akhirnya hari Sabtu itupun tiba jua. Mulai dari pagi harinya, Trsitan bersemangat karena hari itu ia akan dikhitan. Juru khitannya akan datang setelah waktu sholat Ashar, jadi kami perkirakan, ia akan datang sekitar pukul empat sore. Kami merencanakan khitan agar dilaksanakan di rumah orang tua suamiku. Pukul tiga sore, sudah siaplah Tristan menunggu di rumah Mbah Utinya. Pertanyaan-pertanyaan tentang kedatangan si juru khitan pun mulai datang. Tetapi, si juru khitan yang bernama Pak Maliki itupun belum juga muncul. Setelah sekitar dua jam menunggu, akhirnya datang juga Pak Maliki, yang ternyata masih muda. Aku pikir pak Maliki sudah berumur lima puluhan atau lebih. ternyata mungkin dia lebih muda dari aku dan suamiku. Aku berharap, ia sudah cukup berpengalaman walaupun masih muda. Ketika Tristan tau bahwa si juru khitan sudah datang, ia langsung lari ke kamar dan berbaring di tempat tidur, menunggu. Pak Maliki ternyata membawa teman untuk membantunya, yang aku lupa namanya... :D Setelah beristirahat sejenak, mulailah pak Maliki dan temannya masuk ke dalam kamar dimana Tristan sudah menunggu. Hebat anakku itu! Mulailah proses khitan. Tristan terbaring terlentang, ia memegangi guling yang diletakkan melintang di dadanya. Bapaknya memegangi dari atas, berusaha membuatnya tenang. Juru khitan (yang aku lupa namanya), memulai dengan menyuntikkan bius lokal di tiga titik di sekitar kemaluan anakku. Tiap ia menyuntik, anakku disuruhnya menggeretakkan giginya...kami berusaha mencontohkan agar anakku merasa tenang dan nyaman. Sedikit rasa takut tergambar di wajah mungilnya. Tapi dengan pandangan yakin aku meyakinkannya, sehingga iapun tetap tersenyum. Kuacungkan ibu jariku berkali-kali padanya, untuk memberitahunya bahwa aku bangga padanya. Aku merasa sangat bangga padanya. Setelah obat biusnya bekerja, si juru khitan mulai membersihkan daerah yang akan dikhitan. Kemudian sambil mengumandangkan syahadat, terkhitanlah anakku. Setelah itu, dijahitlah kulit yang di sekitar kemaluannya. Kata juru khitannya, tidak perlu diperban, karena kalau diperban, saat dilepaskan ada kemungkinan menimbulkan luka baru. Alhamdulillahi robbil 'alamin. Tak sedikitpun ia merasakan sakit saat ia dikhitan dengan menggunakan alat modern "electric cauter". Begitu cepat prosesnya, kurang lebih sepuluh menit. Tristan pun masih tersenyum-senyum saja. Setelah khitan, Tristan langsung memakai celana dalam khusus untuk anak-anak yang selesai dikhitan. Dia tetap tersenyum. PSP yang kami bilang akan kami belikan setelah ia dikhitanpun langsung ditagihnya. ^_^ Tetapi ada beberapa hal yang harus dikerjakan bapaknya, jadi ia harus menunggu dulu. Kira-kira satu jam kemudian, mulai hilanglah pengaruh bius lokal Tristan. Setelah ia pipis untuk pertama kalinya dan melihat apa yang terjadi pada kemaluannya, ia mulai merengek. Ia mulai menangis. "Ibu, sakiiiiiit!!!" tangisnya. Tak ada yang bisa kulakukan selain merangkul dan menenangkannya. Obat penghilang rasa sakitpun sudah diberikan, tapi tetap ia menangis. Lalu aku menawarkan apa ia ingin menonton film di laptopku. Ia setuju. Maka setelah kusiapkan, Tristanpun menonton Lion King. Dan lupalah ia pada rasa sakitnya. Ditambah lagi ada kakak, adik, dan beberapa sepupunya yang menemani. Aku sungguh berterimakasih pada Disney yang telah membuat film Lion King! ^_^ Tagihan PSP pun mulai memberondongku sementara suamiku pergi untuk membelinya. Akhirnya, suamiku pulang dan Tristanpun semakin lebar senyumnya. Apalagi saat ia mendapatkan beberapa amplop yang membuatnya tambah senang. ^_^ Ibu hanya senang semua berjalan lancar, nak! Selamat berjuang di perang-perang lain yang lebih berat, anakku! Semoga kau menjadi pribadi yang berilmu bagi dunia dan akhiratmu, nak! Amin. PS: Di bawah ini foto Tristan dan PSP barunya...

My Daughter's Fame

Just the other day, as I got back from work, my husband picked me up at the side of the main road where I usually get off the bus.
As usual, my oldest daughter and my son came along.
Then, when we were almost home, some girls, about the same age as my oldest, called out..."Khansa!"
And my daughter replied with a mature-like "Apa?!"
Wow!
My daughter's famous.
I'm not really a neighbor-going-talking person. I'm pleased that my daughter is not as aloof as I am.
We have just moved to this new rented place about a couple of months ago and yet my daughter has made a lot of friends. More than I do-I only talk to my next door neighbors, occasionally.
She's almost never home now. She knows her way around our new neighborhood. She knows her friends and plays with them endlessly.
I'm glad and sad at the same time. I'm glad that she has no problems in adjusting or going into new surroundings. I'm sad that she already has a world of her own, which I'm not really apart of.
I'm still trying to cherish the toddlerhood moments here but she's breaking free and soon will be too busy to chat with ibu!
Grow well and good, my daughter!

A Special Morning

One Special Morning With A Special Boy

I spent this special morning with a very special boy, my son Tristan. As I finished getting dressed this morning, my son got out of bed and came to me. He told me he needed to go to the toilet, number two. So... I escorted him and left him in the toilet. Few minutes later, he called me, telling me that he was done. As I was getting his shorts, he said he wanted to take a shower. I was already all dressed up for work but I gave him his shower anyway.
After he was all dressed up, he went out of the house. Just hanging. His sisters were not awake yet.
Then, I thought I'd go and get some breakfast while waiting for my husband to get ready. So I went out. As I expected, Tristan wanted to come. So we went out together.
Then, there we were, eating "nasi uduk" together at a foodstall by the small street near my house.
We had small talks. He still couldn't speak clearly enough for anyone to know. I understand him, though. Well, on plenty occasions.
Anyway, we had quite an teresting conversation, he and I. Then, we walked home, he was still in his chatty mood.
Then, when my husband was giving me a ride on my way to the office, Tristan still wanted to come. My husband said it was OK. He could get back home afterwards.
So... it was quite a ride! He kept going on and on about seeing big and small buses! It was a lot of fun! I don't really spend that much time with him alone.
With his older sister, I spend a lot of time alone with her. His little sister... Well, I'm with her almost all the time.

Family Gathering

Yesterday, I went to Pamulang to attend a family gathering plus a fast-breaking and a birthday celebration of Rara's, my niece.


I went with my whole family, my husbands and my three kids.


On our way there, as we had anticipated, my son, Tristan, got car-sick. The cab driver was not a smooth driver so it worsened the car-sick. Even I felt a little light-headed during the long journey. Well, it actually took about an hour, but felt like an eternity since we... I haven't traveled that long a distance for a while.

As we arrived the whole flock was almost complete.

The host, my brother , mas Yuli, and his wife, mbak Wiwiek and their brithday daughter, Rara.

My sister, Bunda, with her whole family, Ayah, mas Yoga, and mbak Yogi.

Mbak Pami.

Mas Agus with his wife, mbak Ambar, and their two kids, mbak Ajeng and mas Dimas.

Mas Tedi, mbak Rini, mbak Galuh, and mas Galih arrived few minutes after we did.

Mamah and Papah arrived a little before Maghrib.

My oldest brother, mas Didik didn'come, though.

Well, I do have a big family. Four brothers and three sisters, along with nieces and nephews and even grandchildren. WOW!

There were also mbak Wiwiek's parents.

Well, I just felt happy because we haven't gathered for a long time. Well, at least for my own little family.

It was good to see the people I grew up with. They kept saying I look too thin. Well, I did lose some weight. But, I'm not THAT thin! Not yet! I'm going to go on a diet once I'm not breastfeeding anymore.

Anyway, we went back driven by my brother, mas Agus, in his new three-hundred-million-something Honda CRV. It was nice, but my son managed to throw up once more before falling asleep, exhausted. Poor boy!

We woke later than usual this morning. I guess we're all just too exhausted. But, I'd say we're quite happy.

Here's a picture of mas Dimas and Kiandra:

My Dearest Kiandra

My youngest had a fever few days ago. I didn't go to work that day.
And last night, she was a little cranky and wanted to be picked up all the time. And she wanted to picked up by me.
My first instinct was that she must've been hurt, psychologically, by our helper.
My husband said that she missed me and somehow felt the bad feelings I might feel.
I don't know... All I know is that I do have a bad feeling.
A bad feeling about leaving her in the care of someone I don't really trust, about leaving her for too long, longer than I've ever left her older siblings when they were her age.
I wish I could afford staying home and taking care of her longer that I am.
I'm so sorry Kiandra. I do love you, sweety-pie.

My New Elnusa Class

A relative offered me a teaching job at his office. This relative is a cousin of my brother in law's.

After an agreement about the contract and so forth is reached, I started to teach at Elnusa Bangkanai last Tuesday (Aug 19).

The participants are Desi, Sonya, Windy, Sinta, Farida, and Yenny.

Desi is a nice woman, mother of two children, living in Cipete area.

Sonya is a unique woman with a thick Javanese accent, mother of two daughters, a marine's wife.

Windy is an ethnical woman, working wife, living in Cibubur.

Sinta is a gigglish woman, mother of one, living in Bogor.

Farida is a 28-year-old single woman, originating from North Sumatra and South Sulawesi.

Yenny is a creative woman, a snob at the first impression.

On the first day, I gave them a grammar test. They just did the test quietly. Yenny came late and acted like the office were hers. Understood!

I left the office feeling a little overwhelmed and a little regretful. I felt guilty for leaving my little children too long in a day. But... God has given us a way to get out of our debt frenzy. So, I must be grateful and live it thru, right?

On the second day (Aug 21), I gave them a writing task and some materials about introductions and personal info. They had to create a short dialog at the end and... they came up with creative stuff. And they started to open up and we had quite some fun. I found out that Yenny is actually childless. She was a little more friendly last Thursday.

Well, I'm just glad we've got a way.

"Kiandra, I'm very sorry for leaving you for too long even when you are not one year old yet. I hope you'll grow up to be a very good girl, smart and pretty, quiet and wise. I wish I'll be able to give you more attention, the way you deserve."

Dedicated to Naila Kiandra Sukma Insani

The Differences

I just realized this morning how different my husband and I really are.
As we were leaving for work this morning, we passed through a house with a unique gate. The iron gate looks artistic and complicated. I told my husband about it and he immediately said that it'd be a difficult gate because it would be difficult to clean it or repaint it.
He always thinks in a practical way. Whereas, I'm the complicated one with the complicated thoughts.
Our differences don't end there. We have a lot more differences.
We have different taste in food, clothing, the way we value life, sights on how we are going to raise our three children, and many other things. Things I cannot explain one by one.
Nevertheless, we are inseparable. I cannot imagine living without him. And I don't think he can either.
I dreamed about him dying once. In my dream I was so lost and confused and... basically I couldn't live normally.
There are times when I just hated him and wanted to be away from him. But, I don't want to live without him. Really!
I guess, I have to value what I have more than I already do.
C'est La Vie...

Moving...

I'm looking forward to the near future.

Well... One of the reasons is that I'm going to move in to my old house. Well... it's not THAT old.
The house that I'm referring to is the house that I lived in for three years when I was in senior high. I had lived there with my mom, and my mom only.

I moved out of there when I was in the third grade of senior high. I did so because my mom got sick real bad. She suffered from a stroke. So, we moved out of the house to go living withmy sister in Joglo. Quite a transition. I was used to have my own space at ALL time then suddenly I had to share bedroom with my niece, I had to wait for my turn to take a shower, I had to be dependent on others to go to school, I had to be dependent period. Hated it! A lot!

I tried to go back to my house, alone. But my sister and my other siblings called and TOLD me to go to Joglo because I did not have the ability to live alone at that time. Easy for them to say... I was only seventeen and had to go through a tremendous change.

Anyway, I survived... My mom passed away about eight years ago, after I started my job as an English teacher at LIA for A WEEK.

Now... Well, I have three kids of my own. With my husband as the "investor" of course.
And... Our small rented house is becoming more and more crowded and very very small. So, we (my husband and I) have decided to move to our house in Pamulang. The one I left around thirteen years ago.

Sometimes, I wish I could give more to them. Yet, I'm not able to just yet, or may never be, who knows. My children are the most precious possessions I've got now. I really hope they grow up well to be good. Amin.

Dedicated to Khansa Alifa Suci, Muhammad Tristan Daffa Adji, and Naila Kiandra Sukma Insani.

I'm having my third child and i'm excited.

Today (Sept 18/07)

Today's Monday. And like any other Mondays, it was a little more difficult to leave the house for work than any other day of the week. One reason is my kids (Khansa, 2 and Tristan, 1) are so used to having us (my husband and me) during the weekend and they don't want us to leave on Monday mornings.

This morning, my daughter woke up first and she came looking for me. I was in the bathroom. She asked me what I was doing. Then she came looking for her still fast asleep dad.

My son woke up when he heard his older sister shouted. Then he just climbed down from the bed (something he had just learned to do and has been doing a little too often lately) and joined her.

Soon they were up and around, singing and playing (my daughter just loves to sing, yet my son has not uttered a single complete comprehensive word yet.)

As I was powdering my face, my daughter told me to put on my lipstick (something I haven't done in a little while.) So I did. I laughed at the irony. My two-something daughter told me to wear lipstick just like I told her the other day to put on her sandals.

As I was leaving (my husband left the house before I did, leaving the gruesome last goodbye all to me), my daughter wanted to give me a ride to the office. I asked her to stay home and take care of her little brother. That didn't work. I asked her to stay and watch the house while I was away. Nope, that didn't work either. Finally, I told her that she could watch her favorite Cinderella story. Almost worked but...I really had to leave, so I left anyway. When I was almost out of sight, my son came out of the house and watched with his usual melancholic stare as I waved goodbye. That was it! I left the house successfully, meaning none of my kids was crying.

What a morning!