Dream a Little Dream

Had this dream last night. A kind of reunion. Some pals were there. including the younger SB and his close friends. They were married except for the close friend. The close friend treated me as if we had still been in high school. Brought back a lot of good memories.

SB asked me 'bout the new house and said he was impressed with it. Told him it wasn't ours and wished to God it was. Something happened then. A reconnection kinda thing. Had never fancied him in a romantic way, yet never really quite platonic. Guess it was somewhere in between.

Was glad to know he was doin' OK. Still am. Miss him. Miss all the stuff from back then.

Wonder if I had really given up the old life, as I call it. Or perhaps I just burried it and every once in a while, it surfaces for air. Dunno, really don't.
But know for sure a free-spirited girl is hidden deep down inside.

I B U

Today was supposed to be my mom's 62nd birthday if she had been alive.

I don't think about her as much as I used to. I guess my life has been pretty occupied with a husband, three kids, a household, a job, and a whole-woman-being to worry about.

All I can think about when I remember my departed mother is how strong she had been. I just hope someday I can be as strong as she had been. Amin.

My Daughter's Fame

Just the other day, as I got back from work, my husband picked me up at the side of the main road where I usually get off the bus.
As usual, my oldest daughter and my son came along.
Then, when we were almost home, some girls, about the same age as my oldest, called out..."Khansa!"
And my daughter replied with a mature-like "Apa?!"
Wow!
My daughter's famous.
I'm not really a neighbor-going-talking person. I'm pleased that my daughter is not as aloof as I am.
We have just moved to this new rented place about a couple of months ago and yet my daughter has made a lot of friends. More than I do-I only talk to my next door neighbors, occasionally.
She's almost never home now. She knows her way around our new neighborhood. She knows her friends and plays with them endlessly.
I'm glad and sad at the same time. I'm glad that she has no problems in adjusting or going into new surroundings. I'm sad that she already has a world of her own, which I'm not really apart of.
I'm still trying to cherish the toddlerhood moments here but she's breaking free and soon will be too busy to chat with ibu!
Grow well and good, my daughter!

A Special Morning

One Special Morning With A Special Boy

I spent this special morning with a very special boy, my son Tristan. As I finished getting dressed this morning, my son got out of bed and came to me. He told me he needed to go to the toilet, number two. So... I escorted him and left him in the toilet. Few minutes later, he called me, telling me that he was done. As I was getting his shorts, he said he wanted to take a shower. I was already all dressed up for work but I gave him his shower anyway.
After he was all dressed up, he went out of the house. Just hanging. His sisters were not awake yet.
Then, I thought I'd go and get some breakfast while waiting for my husband to get ready. So I went out. As I expected, Tristan wanted to come. So we went out together.
Then, there we were, eating "nasi uduk" together at a foodstall by the small street near my house.
We had small talks. He still couldn't speak clearly enough for anyone to know. I understand him, though. Well, on plenty occasions.
Anyway, we had quite an teresting conversation, he and I. Then, we walked home, he was still in his chatty mood.
Then, when my husband was giving me a ride on my way to the office, Tristan still wanted to come. My husband said it was OK. He could get back home afterwards.
So... it was quite a ride! He kept going on and on about seeing big and small buses! It was a lot of fun! I don't really spend that much time with him alone.
With his older sister, I spend a lot of time alone with her. His little sister... Well, I'm with her almost all the time.

Thankful

Being thankful.
I had a thought as I was on my way to the office today. Ooooo, spooky!
Does being thankful mean that we cannot think about the past in a joyous fashion?
I mean, sometimes when the present is kind of... well, to be blunt, suck... I like to think back to the past, to the happier moments of my life. Sometimes just a little while back, sometimes it's way way back.
I am being grateful and thankful for the general idea of my present life. It's the little details that sometimes occur to be less gratefulish and thankfulish.
I don't know... I guess life's supposed to do that. Bring you up and bring you down at some points.
I'll try to look at it from another perspective. I've got a lot of good things going on in my life now.
My three wonderful wonderful children. When they sleep and their wonderfulness sleeps too, there's always my husband... Not really an equal comparison by any means.
My job... Well, I just agreed to become a full-timer and was promoted to be one a little over a month ago.
And... Well... I guess when it sucks, it really does suck.
Pardon my language... Other terms wouldn't be so politically correct. Whatever that means.
I'm babbling...
Anyway... I guess the way my mind works is pretty frustratingly confusing to others... To my husband anyway...
Well, Adios!

PS:
I'm attaching my youngest latest picture from my cell... the cute little devil...

Accepting Differences

I wonder why can't some people accept differences.

I got thinking this morning as I was on my way to the office.
The reason, probably the only reason, why I can accept differences is that I was different once. Well, I guess I've always been different.

As a kid, I was separated from my other siblings because of the age difference. I'm the youngest of eight and my older brother just before me was born twelve years before I was.

As a girl, growing up as student, I always acted differently. I hung out with boys, acted like one, was indifferent, a little harsh, listened to music that not so many girls would have enjoyed, and... I have a laundry list of the differences but those are my top ones.

Then as a college girl, I shaved my head a few times, wore a ring on the nose right between my eyes, whose piercing still left a distinguished mark. So... I was undeniably different from the rest of the flock.

I've always been that kind of different until I met my husband. He sort of asked me to behave like a proper girl. Well, I managed.

Some people still think I'm different, crazy or even out of this world. But, I am who I am. A girl who has grown up in such a unique way.
I love it...being me.

I just hope some people who cannot accept differences very well...will cut me some slack and see me as I am with all my capabilities and competencies when they matter.

Malam Takbiran

Malam Takbiran!
It's quiet and I'm tired. Been cooking all day and ignoring my kids.
I'm not sure my Ramadhan this year is a success.
I'm trying not to be so money-driven yet I end up being so.
It's a little hard to be idealistic when the world has become a giant materialistic one.
I know I'm not as patient as I plan to be or as a good girl as I plan to be. Right now I'm just tired, exhausted, worn-out. But I know I gotta keep trying, gotta keep on smiling at this wretched world yet the only one I've ever known.
Peace yo!

Worries

I'm feeling pretty worried now. Don't know why I do but I do. All there worries are eating me alive. I'm feeling pretty bad right now. I guess it's all because things don't work out as planned. And I've got a lot of mess to tidy up. My plans seem to fall apart lately. Guess time and luck are not on my side this time.
Well, I'll survive I suppose.

Family Gathering

Yesterday, I went to Pamulang to attend a family gathering plus a fast-breaking and a birthday celebration of Rara's, my niece.


I went with my whole family, my husbands and my three kids.


On our way there, as we had anticipated, my son, Tristan, got car-sick. The cab driver was not a smooth driver so it worsened the car-sick. Even I felt a little light-headed during the long journey. Well, it actually took about an hour, but felt like an eternity since we... I haven't traveled that long a distance for a while.

As we arrived the whole flock was almost complete.

The host, my brother , mas Yuli, and his wife, mbak Wiwiek and their brithday daughter, Rara.

My sister, Bunda, with her whole family, Ayah, mas Yoga, and mbak Yogi.

Mbak Pami.

Mas Agus with his wife, mbak Ambar, and their two kids, mbak Ajeng and mas Dimas.

Mas Tedi, mbak Rini, mbak Galuh, and mas Galih arrived few minutes after we did.

Mamah and Papah arrived a little before Maghrib.

My oldest brother, mas Didik didn'come, though.

Well, I do have a big family. Four brothers and three sisters, along with nieces and nephews and even grandchildren. WOW!

There were also mbak Wiwiek's parents.

Well, I just felt happy because we haven't gathered for a long time. Well, at least for my own little family.

It was good to see the people I grew up with. They kept saying I look too thin. Well, I did lose some weight. But, I'm not THAT thin! Not yet! I'm going to go on a diet once I'm not breastfeeding anymore.

Anyway, we went back driven by my brother, mas Agus, in his new three-hundred-million-something Honda CRV. It was nice, but my son managed to throw up once more before falling asleep, exhausted. Poor boy!

We woke later than usual this morning. I guess we're all just too exhausted. But, I'd say we're quite happy.

Here's a picture of mas Dimas and Kiandra:

My Dearest Kiandra

My youngest had a fever few days ago. I didn't go to work that day.
And last night, she was a little cranky and wanted to be picked up all the time. And she wanted to picked up by me.
My first instinct was that she must've been hurt, psychologically, by our helper.
My husband said that she missed me and somehow felt the bad feelings I might feel.
I don't know... All I know is that I do have a bad feeling.
A bad feeling about leaving her in the care of someone I don't really trust, about leaving her for too long, longer than I've ever left her older siblings when they were her age.
I wish I could afford staying home and taking care of her longer that I am.
I'm so sorry Kiandra. I do love you, sweety-pie.